


Something Akin to Hope

by wotshername



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 07:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14539416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wotshername/pseuds/wotshername
Summary: Tentoo/Rose: Several months after their marriage broke up, the Doctor is trying to win Rose back. TW: Discussion of child death





	Something Akin to Hope

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I apologise for the angst, this was written as a way of trying to process something which has happened recently in my family. Whilst writing it I had no intention of publishing, but I was pleased with the final result and thought I’d share. Trigger warnings for discussion of the death of a child. BBC owns everything.

Rose walked into the Torchwood tower just as the clock in the entrance hall hit 9.15am. Technically she was late, not that she cared. A sleepless night plus a solo school and nursery run meant all she cared about at that present moment was getting herself a coffee as soon as possible. She pressed the button for the lift and began to let her mind wander as she waited for it to arrive. The door finally opened and revealed to Rose a passenger already in the lift; The Doctor.

"Oh, hi." She said nervously as she stepped inside.

"Hi," He gave her a shy smile, rubbing the back of his neck "are you going to your office?"

Rose nodded and the Doctor pressed the button for the 34th floor.

"I was just up there looking for you actually," The Doctor said, not quite looking at her. _Why did you say that?_ He internally screamed at himself, _She isn’t meant to know!_

"Oh yeah?" Rose asked in amused suspicion

"Yeah, I, um, just wanted to, well, see how you were.” He said awkwardly, a blush spreading across his cheeks. Rose could tell he was lying, but she didn’t feel like she could press him on it.

Rose gave him a small smile, "I’m fine thanks, how are you?"

The Doctor let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in, "yeah I’m ok.”

The silence was deafening, filled with so many things neither could bring themselves to say.

The lift door opened and Rose stepped outside, giving the Doctor another small smile.

"Right, ok, good, well have a good day." He said, looking down at the floor.

"You too."

The lift door closed and Rose figured he was on his way up to his office in R&D 2 floors up. She walked down the corridor to her office with a smile on her face. Upon opening her office door, Rose was pleasantly surprised to find a bunch of flowers and a takeaway coffee cup on her desk. Rose inspected the flowers to see if a note had been left, but she found nothing, then on the coffee cup she noticed a scrawl of the name 'John'; the Doctor's fake name. She gave a laugh, noting that he probably hadn't realised the cup had his 'name' on and his attempt to remain anonymous had been thwarted.  

**********

The next morning, Rose walked hurriedly into the Torchwood tower at the same time she had the day before. _This is becoming a habit_ she thought to herself. She summoned the lift and was surprised to once again see The Doctor already inside it.

“Well Miss Tyler, we have to stop meeting like this.” He said to her with a cheeky grin as she got into the lift. She couldn’t help but grin back.

“So, um, I was thinking,” The Doctor started, clearly this was something he had rehearsed.

“Dangerous habit that.” Rose responded, falling into their old routine easily.

The Doctor gave a small laugh and looked down at the floor, “I was thinking, maybe we could go out on Friday night? For a meal. To catch-up. Doesn’t have to be anything, you know, fancy. We could just go for chips if you want? Although you know on Glugalexa chips are held with the same regard humans hold caviar, so I suppose we could have a fancy meal by Gluglexian standards. Or human standards. Anywhere you want. If you want. You don’t have to, or we could do something else-“ The Doctor knew he was babbling but he couldn’t stop himself, all he knew was that he was sweating in places he didn’t realise he could sweat.

“Doctor, are you asking me out in a date?” Rose cut him off. He looked up and saw her eyes filled with a mixture of fear, longing and, he hoped, love.

“Yes.” He said quietly, suddenly feeling very nervous.

“Okay. Pick me up at 7? I’ll get my mum to babysit.” She said, trying to cover the excitement she felt growing inside of her.

 “Brilliant,” The Doctor exclaimed, “fantastic, molto bene.”

They stared at each other then, for the first time in months they weren’t afraid to look at the other. They hadn’t realised that the doors of the lift had opened on Rose’s floor or that there were now several people stood watching them. One of them politely cleared their throat, and The Doctor and Rose jumped with a start.

“I’ll, um see you later then” Rose said, embarrassment burning through her as she stepped out the lift.

“Bye!” The Doctor called after her as the doors closed.

Rose reached her office and was once again met with flowers and coffee on her desk.

**********

The next morning, he wasn’t in the lift. Rose realised she felt disappointed. That was, until she saw the flowers and coffee once again left on her desk.

And so it went for the following two mornings.

She had run out of vases and had to resort to putting the flowers in mugs.

**********

“So tell me the truth, did you know it was me who sent the flowers?” The Doctor asked, cheeky smile on his face.

“I certainly suspected it was you.” Rose replied, giving him one of her tongue-in-the-teeth smiles.

_Oh how he had missed her._

“Of course I knew.” She said seriously, “and I never thanked you, so thank you. They were all beautiful.”

“It was my pleasure. I just wanted to make you smile.” They were both struck by a sudden shyness, each looking down at their plates, feeling the conversation was about to go into uncomfortable territory.

He had picked her up at 7 (well, 10 past, being on time had ironically never been the Doctor’s strength) and he had driven them to a restaurant they had been to many times before, a little Italian place with the “best pizza this side of Naples” according to the Doctor. The conversation had so far been safe, with both of them swerving it every time they strayed into dangerous ground. Both were desperately trying to ignore the massive elephant in the room, but the awkwardness was slowly getting harder to ignore.

“So, um, the kids tell me you got a cat? How did that happen? You hate cats!” Rose asked, changing subject. She picked up her last slice of pizza, before setting it back down, deciding she was full.

“Yes! Well I saw her on the side of the road, she’d been abandoned from the looks of things. So I rescued her with the full intention of giving her to a shelter, but…well I guess she just grew on me.” The Doctor became animated, putting the brief awkwardness behind him. He had finished eating and was now just drinking his wine (something he had only started liking after the metacrisis…he blamed Donna.)

“Well the kids love her, been on at me to get one as well.” Rose said. The Doctor gave a sad smile at that, the emphasis once again put on their separation.

Neither was sure what to say now.

“I was wondering if you….um, wanted to come back to the house tonight?” Rose said, gathering her bravery, she looked straight up at The Doctor “Just so we could, you know, talk properly about, well, us.”

The Doctor studied her face, to see if it were giving an indication of the kind of talk she meant. He felt hopeful that she wanted to discuss them getting back together, but he was equally terrified that she would say it was over for good, no more dates and no more chances. Her expression gave nothing away, so all he could do was nod in agreement.

The waiter came over to take their plates, and minutes later bought over the bill. The Doctor quickly pulled his wallet out and removed his card.

“Doctor, no, you aren’t paying for all of it.” Rose protested, reaching for her bag.

“Yes, I am. I asked you on the date, I’m paying for the date.” He insisted, putting his card down.

“But Doctor…”

“But nothing, I will not have it be said that I am a cheap date.” He gave her a grin at that, to show he was partially joking with her.

“Well next time I’ll pay. No arguments.” Rose said seriously, before picking up her almost empty wine glass and draining it.

“Oh, so there is going to be a next time?” The Doctor said mischievously, internally he was exploding with joy, but he wasn’t going to let that show.

“I think so, yeah.” Rose said softly, with a small smile.

The Doctor paid and they left the restaurant. The sun was almost set, the sky a mix of oranges and pinks. The Doctor took Rose’s hand, half expecting her to pull away, but she gave his hand a squeeze, as if telling him it was ok. They walked across the car park in silence, reaching The Doctor’s Land Rover far too soon for his liking. He let go of her hand to open the door for her and she gave a grateful smile.

On the way back to Rose’s house they chatted about work, both trying to stay away from the topic of ‘them.’ Now it had been established they would be discussing that back at hers, the awkwardness that had been in the back seat for most of the night had taken on a bolder lease of life. The Doctor was desperate to hear what she had to say, especially now she had indicated they might be going out again. Luckily the drive was relatively short, and twenty minutes later they pulled up outside the house. The house that had been theirs, the promise of so much happiness, before….well, before.

Rose unlocked the door and stepped inside, The Doctor following.

“You go through to the living room, I’ll be there in a second.” She said, hanging up her jacket and taking off her shoes in the hallway. The Doctor kicked his converse off and went into the living room. He had, of course, been in here since the split. But this time he wasn’t here to pick the kids up, or to be shown a new toy or book, and it felt strange.

“Do you want a glass of wine?” Rose called through.

“Well I’m driving so best not have any more.” He called back, picking up a framed photo of the kids he hadn’t seen before. They were sat on a beach, grinning up at the camera, clearly this was from their holiday with Rose last year. A pang of sadness hit him.

 Rose suddenly appeared at the doorway, wine bottle in one hand and 2 glasses in the other. “I was hoping you might stay over actually, but if you don’t want to…” She took a breath, before exclaiming “I don’t mean in a, well, you know, way!” She felt herself go red, and looked down on the floor, “I just meant well it’s late and you are welcome to have the sofa.” Rose tailed off. She wanted the ground to swallow her.

“That sounds great!” He jumped to reassure her. Rose looked up at him and smiled, something which he happily returned. She set the bottle and 2 glasses on the coffee table and sat down on the sofa.

“Oh I love that photo,” Rose acknowledged the picture The Doctor was still holding “I meant to give you a copy actually.” The Doctor placed it back on the sideboard and sat next to Rose on the sofa.

“I’ve missed you.” The Doctor said quietly, wandering into potentially dangerous territory.

“I’ve missed you too.” Rose replied in an instant, reaching across and taking his hand. They looked at each other intently, each seeing the pain and longing in the other’s eyes.

“I think we need to talk. Don’t we?” The Doctor said, quieter still. He moved closer to her, as she nodded her head, unable to look away. “You go first.” He said.

At this, something in Rose snapped and she pulled back slightly.

“I guess I’m not really sure how I feel, but I think once we’ve talked I’ll have a better idea.” She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this nervous.

“I don’t understand, you don’t know how you feel?” The Doctor’s heart sank, the night had been going so well, and he had been so sure she was about to say they should try again.

“Well, I know how I feel about you, I just don’t know how I feel about us.”

“How do you feel about me?” He felt a mixture of hope and fear, surely she was only being this cryptic because she still cared for him?

Rose looked down, she seemed afraid to answer.

“If it helps,” The Doctor began, taking a deep breath. “I still love you, Rose Tyler. More than anything.”

“I still love you too,” she felt a tear run down her cheek, “I never stopped.”

The Doctor gave a huge sigh of relief and smiled. This was wonderful news, he felt happier than he had in ages.

 “But that was never what this was about.” Rose finished, bringing him crashing back down.

“I know.” The Doctor said gently. Of course he knew that, he’d known that all along.

 Rose looked up at him, her tears flowing freely now. He took a deep breath, knowing what he said next would either make or break them.

“Rose I know this is hard, but if we love each other, well, that should be all that matters. There’s no point both of us being alone when we could be together. You taught me that.”

“I wish it was as simple as that, but it’s not that easy.” Despite her words, she flopped her head down on the Doctors shoulder. She was exhausted. She felt the Doctors arms circle around her, and she was pretty sure he pressed a kiss on the top of her head.

“This isn’t helping anything.” She mumbled into his shoulder.

“What isn’t?”

“Talking. It isn’t helping anything, I just feel more confused.” She lifted her head back up from his shoulder, although she made no attempt to move from his arms.

“Well we’ve just established we still love each other, I think that is pretty helpful,” the Doctor said with an attempt at joviality. When she didn’t respond he went back to being serious, “Rose, remember when I first got here? When we had no idea what we were doing. You said to me that the important thing was that we were together, and that we could deal with everything else later. Well that worked then and it will work now.” He could see she was processing her own words being said back to her.

 _I’m almost there_ he thought.

Rose pulled away and stood up, she began pacing back and forth, tears continuing to spill over. “How can we…? How can we do that?”

The Doctor stood up and took her arms, to stop her pacing. “How can we what?” He asked quietly, already knowing her answer but wanting to hear her say it.

She looked down, all final signs of composure disappearing “How can we be happy and together when we lost her? How can I be happy when I’m responsible for…” She gave way to full-blown sobs. At this the Doctor took her back into his arms and held her as she cried.  

When Rose was all cried out the Doctor pulled away enough so she could see his face,

“Rose, listen to me. You were not responsible for what happened. No one was, as unfair as it is, these things happen.” He said with steel in his voice. If she only remembered one thing from tonight, he wanted it to be this.

“I should have known something was wrong.” She mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

“I could say the same thing about myself, we were both here. The truth was it was no one’s fault. You can’t keep doing this to yourself Rose.” He cupped her face, encouraging her to look back up.

“But our baby girl…” She closed her eyes to stop the tears from falling again.

They fell anyway.

“I know Rose, I know.” He pulled her back into a tight embrace, trying to convey his love for her through contact alone.

“She would have been 2 now. She’d have been talking and walking and….”

“I know, I know,” he found himself with tears in his own eyes now, “I think about her every single day. But we can’t stop living because of what happened. We have 3 beautiful, amazing children that are still here, they deserve a whole family. And I think we’ve both been through more than our fair share of bad times, I think we deserve to be happy.” Rose gave a sniffle in what he hoped was agreement. He took this as an opportunity to continue.

“I know what it feels like to carry the guilt of death around, better than anyone. And I know how it can make you feel you don’t deserve happiness or love…but Rose, you deserve that and so much more. We will never ever forget our girl, but you have to move on from this Rose. We have to move on, as a family. I know you want that too, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked me back here to talk tonight.” He took a deep breath, not sure if he should continue. _No you have to, don’t hold back from her_ the more human part of his brain yelled at him, and for once he listened, “I’ve said things tonight that I should have said when it happened, but I hope you understand I was grieving too. I know I wasn’t much of a husband…”

As soon as he said that she reached up and placed a kiss to his lips. It was a simple, chaste kiss, but to him it meant everything. It was Rose’s turn to speak, “You were as strong as you could have been. I’m sorry I’ve let this destroy me. You deserve so much more, the kids deserve more…I’m sorry.”

“No, Rose. You have no reason to be sorry. We lost a child, no one,” he had to stop to regain composure “no one, should have to go through that. The kids are lucky to have you, all 4 born to us were lucky to have you as a mother. And I was the luckiest man in 2 universes when you were mine.”

“I’m still yours, I will always be yours.” Rose whispered, her voice dripping with conviction.

“And I will always be yours.” He replied, equally as quiet.

Nothing more needed to be said, with that they both leaned in for a kiss. Much like their first kiss on a beach in Norway several years earlier, this kiss was a mixture of fear and promise, longing and love.  Both knew they had a long way to go, but for the first time in a long time they both felt something akin to hope, and that was good enough for them.

 


End file.
